It’s 2015 and the women in my life are thriving while many of the men in my life seem to be seeking divine feminine guidance more than ever to deal with betrayal. What does this mean to me; an honor and a gift to make a contribution, from the divine feminine, to the masters and knights in my life! <3!
To help my knights I had to dive into my own experience for answers. So tonight I asked myself when was the first time I experienced betrayal and when did I first betray myself? I asked myself this question because several male friends have recently experienced betrayal by women they love. These are super conscious men that I love and admire, with one of which I practice Tantra and the other is an ex- boyfriend. That’s how and why I began to ponder my first incident of betrayal.
Art by Michael Parks
Flashbacks of painful memories arose as I recalled the first incident of what felt like betrayal in my own life. Not the kind of betrayal of a beloved being unfaithful but rather the experience of love and nurturing expected from a parent not being provided by them. My first experience of not receiving the love I expected was when my parents said I couldn’t join my apartment building’s cheerleading team because they didn’t have money to pay for the uniform! I wanted to be a cheerleader so strongly that this felt like the first betrayal in my life. I wanted more than anything to cheer my neighbors in my apartment building’s football team, but didn’t know how to after my parents said no, we can’t afford it. What could a 6 year old do? My english wasn’t good enough to do what I wanted to do which was to tell my African American neighbor cheerleading coach that I wanted to join and would do anything to make that possible. I only spoke Spanish as a child…so I had to let go of the first thing I wanted to do soooo bad because I wasn’t supported by my parents in this desire. My entrepreneurial spirit that would in the future grant me the independence to do for myself what my parents couldn’t, like selling candies in the girls locker room when I was 12 years old, hadn’t yet come into effect.
When our needs for love, support and faithfulness are not met, this can easily be experienced as betrayal. I don’t necessarily see “those that we love who can’t provide the support or loyalty we desire” as evil, bad or wrong. But rather I see it as just unconscious aspects of our humanity playing this “horrible” betrayal game that evokes a lot of pain and transformation. This is sometimes the only way the parties involved in this conflict can truly understand and realize that they need to separate, learn, re-discover, heal and then transform these aspects of themselves, for the ultimate long term benefit of everyone involved. These betrayals are kinda like the betrayal that is cheating…. cheating begins when people in a relationship are not able to communicate in an authentic, vulnerable, and intimate way.
Back to my own experience of betrayal growing up, I recently told my father that I would not talk to him nor spend time with him over the holidays or anytime in the future, until he committed to taking the first step in addressing what I felt was a very long betrayal growing up; his alcoholism. Without even knowing the significance of the day this fell on, this Sunday, on the Full Moon in Cancer, now that he has finally agreed (on day two of my last period aka powerful transformational time), I’m meeting my father for his first Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting ever. How synchronistic that on the first most powerful day in 2015 for releasing and letting go of old patterns, I have the opportunity to support my father to confront his disease. Did I also mention that my dad and I are both born under the sign of this full moon, Cancer? This is likely to be a powerful experience no matter what the outcome is. I am happy, grateful, and nervous all at the same time. My divine purpose is to show up in love and nurture this relationship along with all my relationships, past, and present to create the future my Priestess archetype, sees as mutually and divinely fitting.
Ever since I can remember my father has been an alcoholic. Perhaps I didn’t notice it as a child as much. Since age four, I was too busy climbing the side of swing sets and experiencing full body orgasms from the exhilaration and freedom of running around, high on life, and brushing my body up against nature. But my Dad was not living in the same state of exhilaration and eventually his depression, anger, and addiction got to me. I eventually realized this as a profound betrayal.
It takes something to share this vulnerably and openly about my father. Like what if my father doesn’t go to AA? Or what if he finds out I’m writing about him? This year, as with my father, I have been guided to be bold; So therefore, I am committing to something else uncomfortable, vulnerable and BOLD; to launch my first ever music video this year.
If you are inspired to support my boldness and are not currently on my moon love letter list, please sign up on my homepage at www.ixchelsandivel.com to watch the world premiere of my music video, when it’s released this June and or subscribe to my youtube channel at https://www.youtube.com/user/ixchelsandivel . Additionally, you will receive my personal Priestess breakthroughs and inspirations, leading up to the launch.
To really commit to being bold this Full Moon I would love to share this prayer with you: “I am releasing the belief that my father has betrayed me and my family. I forgive him and ask that he and all of our fathers, brothers, knights and masters may be healed by the re-emerging balance of the healing power and wisdom of the divine feminine. I am calling in all the support necessary to manifest the resources and creativity to produce and share the most delicious, conscious, and controversial music video ever, for the greatest good of all!”
I choose not to believe that my father betrayed me when he said he couldn’t afford my cheerleading, gymnastics, ballerina classes, and who knows what other class or dreams I had. After all I still managed to become a tantric cheerleader and some! I choose now to believe that my father has done his best and that now it’s time for me to step into my bold presence to understand the unconscious aspects of our relationship, including my own ability to receive masculine support to do what I love; expressing stunning feminine Priestess art to the world! If you would like to contribute to my music video in any way please send me an email and or sign up for my mailing list to find out more about the world premiere.
This moon love letter list will be going out on the Cancer Full Moon on Sunday.
My AA meeting with my cancer father and cosmic brother is on Sunday at 7:30pm. Your prayers and good vibes at that time and between now and then, are invited and welcomed.
This Cancer Full Moon Cycle take a risk, be bold, and allow yourself to ask for your deepest emotional desires. Speaking your desires allows for your dreams to manifest in one way or another, regardless of who betrays you or not. Don’t take it personal. Only you can honor and not betray yourself.
If you’re interested in learning about intimate communication and tantra to experience full body orgasms, please contact me at iX@Sandivel.com to receive personal coaching.
iX-CheL SandiveL is a divine feminine empowerment coach. She is the youngest woman qualified by the oldest school of tantra in the west, as a Source Tantra Yoga Associate & certified Advanced Tantra Educator. She leads events for men & women based on Tantra with an exotic twist. She’s most known for her “Sensual Surrender Play Shop for Women” where women learn to embrace their creative life force energy, and to play a dominant role at the “Dakini Knight Masquerade.” These events are the start of an 8 week coaching program and embodiment journey!