Edit by Darius Fisher
Have you ever desired for a special someone in your life to just get the depths of who you are, that up to that point they have no idea about? I have and this past New Moon I had a tantric breakthrough!
I confessed, or to use more empowering language; “I owned up to my truth” and shared everything I felt was important with my “we don’t talk about sex in our family” father. This included when I had my first clitoral orgasm aged 6. I stumbled, not certain I knew the correct word for Orgasm in Español. The word orgasm was not part of the Domestic Spanish vocabulary I knew, nor was it used in the telenovelas (spanish soap operas)!! Orgasmo?? Orgasmico?? My father looked shyly away from me.
Growing up I only learned what I call “Domestic Spanish” such as “Who’s belongings are these and why are they here?” Spanish was not taught at school. I learned Spanish because only Spanish was spoken at home. In fact I often still struggle speaking Spanish but I never let that get in the way of visiting Mexico and talking to mi pueblo (my people). My spanish is still good enough to get by in Europe, with a smattering of French and Italian thrown in for good measure!
(Above my father is escorting me as a Homecoming Princess. The story I’m about to share makes me feel like I am coming home.)
On this past New Moon, during my Saturn Return, at my favorite childhood family restaurant, In-N-Out (lol), I dropped some tantric knowledge on my father, that I haven’t ever known how to articulate before. It was life changing, powerful, and exciting!
Conversations with my father had been mostly about meaningless household tasks like “clean this”, “pick up that” or about an award he was given that day at work or how tired he was after work. My family were immigrants so all free time was devoted to working more to provide for the family at minimum wage. There was no bandwidth for conversations about intimacy, relationships, sex, consciousness or love.
Most of the women my father knows are domestic mamas and currently in the mainstream Mexican culture, women are seen as just that. My grandmother was a mother of 14. I was inspired to “confess” because I have always wanted my father to witness his daughter’s experiences on a journey of transformation and embodiment of the divine feminine.
I particularly love using the term “confession” having been raised being Catholic. I felt like I opened up to my “Father” as if he was a divine masculine priest who was ready to receive me fully. This has been a long time fantasy and then “bam”, it felt like why not manifest it at the time that the universe supports dreams and new beginnings on our planet the most, when the Moon is New. I’ve always wanted my father to see me beyond what he thinks he fully knows me as; a fast, independent and smart daughter. Maybe it’s my Saturn Return, which has a lot to do with structure and Father time, (yes, Saturn is now for the first time back in the same place it was when I was born – and women often deal with major father issues at this time). My masculine energy is being redefined and whether that looks like reinventing myself with my father, or repairing my physical structure (health) finally diagnosing and ridding myself of parasites, or letting go of masculine aspects of myself that are not in alignment with my best interests anymore.
(My father and I when he miraculously showed up at my nationals race).
It was divine. We accidentally but synchronistically met on the New Moon. I had to go back and visit my parents to pick up and deposit a check. I asked my dad to show up at the bank because the check was made out to both our names because he initially co-signed my car insurance.
I busted a long-ass mission to my home town from Topanga, two days in a row (long story). The first time around I had every possible document on me that would prove I am my father’s daughter but had no father physically present. The second time (this time) I left my bloody check at home!! Who does that?! Well, apparently I do and even though I was so upset with myself, crying and lamenting how much time I had wasted for absolutely nothing (judgmental/masculine father energy, whereby everything has to make sense, be efficient and stick to the plan) I was in this state for about 28 minutes and then I asked myself what would make me feel better?
My dad was seconds away from giving me a lecture and being mad at me for messing up. But for once, he caught himself doing what he so easily does unconsciously, after I stepped up and told him that I didn’t need that right now and that he really has no idea who his daughter really is, what she’s up to and what her unique gifts are. I felt so relieved saying that, no matter how raw it was the way it came out.
Miraculously, instead of going into guilt trips, complaints and anger, he went into a healthy masculine “solution finding” mode, “How can we fix this? or more specifically, “What do we do now?” I thought of everything that could be done and there was no solution given the circumstances and then it hit me that there was actually nothing we could do other than to wait for another time when my Dad and I both had a Saturday off and go to a branch of his bank open on the weekend.
I was aware he was hungry. An hour before meeting me, my Dad left his house to eat out and noticed that the bank we were originally going to meet at was closed because of a power cut on the block. Looking into his eyes outside the bank, I felt my own need to just be with him and simply talk to my dad. I had to use the restroom, so I decided to go with him to In-N-Out burger, so he could enjoy a double cheese burger, a soft drink, some fries and a “casual conversation” with his daughter.
After an hour and a half of LA traffic and what felt like a huge disappointment, mi papa and I had a new plan, just spending time together and we met at In-N-Out. A place where thousands of family and high school memories live, in that red and white palm tree logo California burger joint. I came to deeply appreciate this place as I recalled all those memories and as I share this story. In-n-out has actually become a nurturing space for my family and I, something that I could have done with experiencing more of at home.
And so sitting there with my Dad, the time had come for him to get to know me better.
I slipped my Dad my new (and favorite so far) business card. “Toma. Esta es para ti.” (“Take this. This is for you”). To me the card is beautiful and I knew my father would appreciate it too because he is an artist himself. In fact, my father was the first artist I knew.
Written on the back of my card, amongst other things under my name is; “Advanced Certified Tantra Yoga Educator.” I told him as best as I could that it’s a yoga focused on consciously directing/using sexual energy including breathing techniques, meditations, rituals, and more. This was the first time in 28 years that I spoke a term to my Father that I use regularly with other people; “sexual energy”. He was speechless. I was excited.
We got into all sorts of conversations. It was powerful, paradigm shifting and blissfully life changing for me. I told him everything from how I got my first orgasm as a child playing around as I was climbing a swing set, to how my sexuality was demonized shortly after by my mother and how I was too ashamed to open up to anyone about my sexuality for almost 20 years. I told him how later in life this then led me to a devastating heart break after an abortion, and how I didn’t understand why the person I loved the most at the time wouldn’t have our child and the guilt and shame of that too.
I told him that in order to heal this deep wound of my sexuality, I had to go on a very intense journey of finding the divine connection between my sexuality and spirituality, a journey into unknown territory for me. I set myself on a mission to learn from the modern day pioneers, masters, and priestesses of conscious sexual energy, which has led to me becoming the youngest most qualified female tantra yoga educator in the west. (This doesn’t mean I’m better than any tantra educator by being “the youngest most qualified.” It just means I’ve done the most training possible at the most respected and established Tantra school in the west, for my age.)
I told him I had to really understand this healing on an emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual level. I told him that this wisdom and understanding of it’s transformation is what I teach today privately, in group events, and in anything I love doing. He had no idea I was going to share all of this with him, nor did I, and all auspiciously and synchronistically on the New Moon.
And then I told him about the synchronistic mind blowing story behind a song I have co-created which was produced by someone called Gardner Cole, who was drawn to create something with me because of my social media postings on consciously using sexual energy. I told him I had no idea when he contacted me, that his man had produced over 50 #1 international hits and that I only realized after recording with him and leaving his studio full of platinum records, signed by Madonna and other A-list world class musicians, what this genius had accomplished.
I told him I didn’t know Garder Cole would email me a complete track 2 weeks after leaving his studio, that was synchronistically 8 minutes away from where I had led my Sensual Surrender Playshop and Dakini Domme Masquerade events in Phoneix, Arizona.
I told him that that I had been gifted 4 times to go to the Mayan Pyramids in Chichen-itza and that since I was 15 years old I have been obsessed with this civilization. I told him about two of my favorite things about the Mayans; One of them being their passion, love and dedication for Math. (I actually happen to have a deep love for math! Parabolas, derivatives, AP Calculus yes please!) The other thing I appreciate about the Mayan wisdom is how the Mayans believed that when a child was born, it was a divine gift with a unique and knowable contribution to make to the community. According to their mathematics, astrology, and highly advanced calendars they were able to create a system that would make it abundantly clear exactly what the unique gifts of each child was, divinely based on the time he or she was born. It was then up to the civilization to support and nurture this unique contribution in the child, so that he or she could then become the expert and master of this gift and contribute it to the community. His or her life was about embodying this mastery/contribution/gift.
I told him that my music video of the track I recorded with Gardner Cole, that I’m launching on my birthday in June, will be an expression of everything I’ve learned, deeply respect, and radically embrace up to this point in my life. Hearing all this, my Father lit up unexpectedly.
He told me that I reminded him of “Medusa”, a very original 60’s rock band from Mexico City. He said I spoke and expressed myself similarly to that band that he had liked back then. I told him how astrologically this time period is when the revolutionary consciousness and expansion of the 60’s is coming to a new phase of expression with more clarity and more than anything, that this wisdom actually grounds into this third dimensional reality.
This was the first time in my entire life that I felt fully received by my father! Just a few moons ago, on theCancer Full Moon, I took my dad to his first AA meeting. And now, he has opened to energetically and emotionally supporting my divine feminine, priestess and tantric vision.
I’m glad I left my bloody check at home. I wouldn’t have had this quality life changing time with my father because, knowing me I would have immediately run off to my next task. I wouldn’t have been inspired to know exactly how to pronounce orgasm in Spanish. On top of all this, my father also unexpectedly offered to fix some things on my car that he noticed that I hadn’t even asked for. Wheee to receiving unexpected love and support!
My tips for you beloveds; if there is someone you deeply desire to have an intimacy breakthrough with, allow for the space and time to show up when least expected. It has taken me nearly a decade to have this conversation with my dad. It could just be that neither he nor I were ready until now to receive this experience. Do not take it personally, continue to show up for yourself and those you love with your courageous love. Lead the way and your life with your love. Always allow miracles to show up when you least expect them.
Sometimes all we gotta do is just show up with our courageous, raw, and vulnerable hearts. The world needs your unique medicine and unique contributions to the world. Bring them on!
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iX-CheL Sandivel is a multiorgasmic & divine feminine empowerment coach. She is the youngest woman qualified by the oldest school of tantra in the west, as a Source Tantra Yoga Associate & certified Advanced Tantra Educator. She leads events for men & women based on Tantra with an exotic twist. She’s most known for her “Sensual Surrender Play Shop for Women” where women learn to embrace their creative life force energy, and to play a dominant role at the “Dakini Domme Knight Masquerade.” These events are the start of an 8 week coaching program and embodiment journey!